Helping Your Child with Big Emotions
Parenting isn’t easy under the best of circumstances, but it can feel especially overwhelming when your child has intense outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere. These meltdowns can leave parents feeling exhausted, helpless, and sometimes even guilty. You might wonder, Why is my child acting like this? Why don’t the usual parenting strategies work? If you’ve asked yourself these questions, you are not alone, and you’re not failing as a parent.
In his book The Explosive Child, Dr. Ross W. Greene offers a compassionate and practical approach to raising children who struggle with big emotions and frequent blowups. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards to “fix” behavior, Greene invites us to see these outbursts for what they truly are: signs that a child is lacking certain skills and needs help learning them. This perspective not only reduces family stress, but also builds stronger, more trusting relationships.
Why Explosions Happen
One of the most powerful ideas in Greene’s work is his simple phrase: children do well if they can. That means kids aren’t misbehaving on purpose just to push buttons or get their way. When a child melts down, it’s usually because they are struggling with skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, or problem-solving.
Think of it this way: if a child is struggling with reading, we wouldn’t say they’re “choosing” not to read. We would recognize that they need help building the skills to succeed. Explosive behavior works the same way. When the demands being placed on a child outpace their ability to cope, emotions can overwhelm them. Understanding this makes it easier for parents to approach their child with empathy rather than punishment.
For example, imagine a child who explodes every night when it’s time to stop playing video games and get ready for bed. It might look like defiance, but it might be a lack of flexibility. Transitioning from a preferred activity to bedtime requires adaptability, and if that skill isn’t strong, the child becomes overwhelmed. Recognizing this helps parents respond with empathy rather than assuming the child is simply being difficult.
Why Traditional Discipline Falls Short
Many of us were raised to believe that misbehavior requires stricter rules, tougher consequences, or more rewards. While that approach may work for some children, Greene explains that it often fails with kids who are easily frustrated or inflexible.
Punishments may stop the behavior temporarily, but they don’t teach the child how to handle the challenges that triggered the explosion in the first place. In fact, trying to force compliance can make outbursts worse, leaving everyone in a constant battle. Instead of focusing on control, Greene encourages parents to look at what’s getting in the way for their child, and how to support them in learning the skills they need.
Different Ways to Respond: The Three Plans
Greene describes three main approaches parents can take when facing challenging behavior:
Plan A is when the parent insists on their way with no room for discussion. This approach often leads to power struggles and escalates the very behaviors we’re trying to reduce.
Plan C is when the parent decides to temporarily let go of certain expectations. It doesn’t mean giving up entirely, but rather lowering the temperature at home by choosing not to tackle every issue at once.
Plan B is the approach at the heart of Greene’s model. Instead of power struggles or avoidance, Plan B focuses on working with the child to find solutions that address both the parent’s concerns and the child’s struggles.
Most families find that relying less on Plan A and more on Plans B and C can create a calmer, more cooperative home environment.
What Plan B Looks Like
Plan B is all about collaboration, and while it takes practice, it can be a game-changer for families. There are three key steps:
Empathy: Start by listening to your child’s perspective. This step is not about correcting or lecturing, but about truly understanding what’s hard for them.
Define the Parent’s Concern: Once your child feels heard, calmly explain what’s important to you, whether that’s safety, schoolwork, or daily routines.
Invitation to Problem-Solve: Together, brainstorm ways to address both concerns. The goal is to land on a realistic solution that works for both of you.
At first, these conversations may feel awkward or slow. But over time, children begin to trust the process and learn that their voice matters. They will also gain practice in thinking flexibly, managing frustration, and coming up with solutions.
Every explosive moment is really a signal that a child needs more support in certain areas. By using Plan B, parents turn those stressful situations into opportunities for growth. Kids learn how to communicate their needs, consider different perspectives, and handle disappointment, which are all critical skills that will help them far beyond childhood.
This approach isn’t about being “soft” or letting kids run the show. It’s about teaching the very skills they need to eventually handle challenges independently. In this way, Plan B becomes both a short-term strategy for reducing outbursts and a long-term investment in your child’s future.
Shifting the Parent’s Mindset
Perhaps the hardest part of this approach is changing how you, as the parent, see your role. Instead of asking, How do I make my child do this? Shift your mindset to, What’s getting in the way, and how can I help?
This doesn’t mean lowering expectations forever. It means prioritizing, focusing on what matters most, and understanding that progress takes time. Parents also play a key role in modeling calmness and patience. When we slow down and approach challenges with curiosity instead of anger, we show our children how to do the same.
Moving Forward with Hope
The journey with an explosive child can feel daunting, but Greene’s message is ultimately hopeful. Change may not happen overnight, but even small steps make a big difference. Families who shift from punishment to collaboration often notice fewer explosions, more open communication, and stronger connections with their child. Most importantly, children begin to see themselves not as “bad kids,” but as capable learners who can handle challenges with support. That shift in self-view can be life-changing.
So if you’re feeling stuck, just remember that explosions don’t mean failure. They mean your child is still developing the skills they need. With patience, empathy, and collaboration, you can help them get there.
Reference
Greene, R. W. (2021). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children (6th ed.). Harper.
