Raising a strong-willed child can be exciting yet exhausting. You might feel like every day is filled with battles over homework, chores, or even simple requests like putting on shoes. While testing limits is normal in childhood, frequent and intense defiance can make home life stressful for everyone.

The good news is that defiant behavior is often a learned pattern, and patterns can be changed. In his book, Your Defiant Child: 8 Steps to Better Behavior, Dr. Russell Barkley provides a research-based program that gives parents the tools to replace conflict with cooperation. His recommended approach works best when parents are consistent, calm, and willing to stick with it long enough for the changes to take hold.

Here’s a closer look at each of the eight steps and how they can make a difference.

Step 1: Understanding Defiance and Preparing for Change

Defiance usually develops gradually. A child may learn that refusing, arguing, or ignoring instructions works, especially if it leads to the parent backing down or changing the request. Over time, these reactions get reinforced, making them stronger.

Some children are more likely to become defiant because of temperament (for example, high energy or strong emotional responses), developmental stage, or inconsistent discipline patterns. This doesn’t mean the behavior is “set in stone,” but it does mean parents need to approach change with both structure and patience.

Before you start, Barkley recommends:

Commitment: Be ready to follow through consistently for at least several weeks.
Teamwork: If more than one caregiver is involved, agree on expectations, rules, and consequences.
Focus: Begin by targeting one or two behaviors instead of trying to fix everything at once.

Step 2: Special Time: Building Positive Attention

Many defiant children get most of their parent’s attention when they are misbehaving. This isn’t intentional, but when most interactions are about correction, the child learns that negative behavior is an effective way to get noticed.

“Special Time” reverses this pattern by giving your child positive, one-on-one attention for simply being with you in a pleasant way. This time should happen daily, even if it’s just 10–15 minutes, and it should be predictable so the child looks forward to it. Over time, this strengthens your relationship, making your child more motivated to listen and cooperate outside of these moments.

During Special Time:

Let your child choose the activity (within reason).
Avoid correcting, teaching, or giving instructions—just enjoy the time together.
Use this as a chance to praise cooperation, creativity, or kindness.

Step 3: Giving Clear, Effective Instructions

A lot of defiance comes down to how instructions are given. Children who are prone to arguing or ignoring often take advantage of vague or repeated commands. Barkley emphasizes that an instruction should be a clear direction, given once, and followed by action.

For best results:

Speak calmly and at your child’s eye level.
Keep the instruction short, specific, and doable (“Please put your shoes in the closet”).
State it as a direction, not a request (“It’s time to put your shoes away” instead of “Can you put your shoes away?”).
Wait for your child to comply, and if they don’t, calmly follow through with a consequence.

By giving directions this way, you reduce confusion and make it clear that following through is part of the routine, rather than optional.

Step 4: Praising Good Behavior

Praise is one of the simplest, most effective tools for changing behavior. However, many parents overlook it, especially if they’re used to focusing on what’s going wrong. When you see your child doing something right, acknowledge it immediately. Specific praise works best because it tells your child exactly what to repeat:

“I appreciate how you started your homework right after snack.”
“Thanks for putting your toys away without being asked twice.”

Pairing praise with a smile, high-five, or hug can make it even more meaningful. Over time, this builds your child’s motivation to behave well, not just to avoid consequences.

Step 5: Using Rewards to Encourage Cooperation

While praise is powerful on its own, pairing it with tangible rewards can make new habits stick. Rewards don’t have to cost anything. Extra screen time, choosing the family movie, or a later bedtime can work just as well as physical items.

At the start:

Give rewards immediately and consistently when the desired behavior happens.
Make sure the reward is something your child values.
Keep the system simple so it’s easy to follow every day.

As your child’s behavior improves, you can gradually space out rewards so they’re not needed every single time. But in the beginning, consistency is key.

Step 6: Time-Out for Misbehavior

Time-out isn’t about punishment, it’s about stopping a behavior by removing your child from the attention and activity that might be reinforcing it. Time-out teaches that certain behaviors always lead to the same, predictable outcome: a quick break from all fun and attention.

To make time-out effective:

Use it immediately after the misbehavior.
Keep it short (a few minutes) and without interaction.
Choose a boring, safe location.
Only end the time-out once your child is calm for a brief period.

Step 7: The Home Token System

A token system turns good behavior into something your child can see and track. Each time your child meets a goal or follows a rule, they earn a token (like a poker chip, sticker, or point on a chart). Tokens can then be exchanged for rewards. This system makes the connection between behavior and rewards more concrete, which is especially helpful for younger children.

For success:

Post the rules somewhere visible.
Keep the reward list exciting and varied.
Track tokens where your child can see their progress.
Only take away tokens if it’s part of the agreed-upon rules.

Step 8: Managing Behavior in Public

Public outings can be challenging for families of defiant children. Planning ahead can make all the difference.

Before leaving:

Remind your child of the rules and what you expect.
Let them know how they can earn praise or rewards while you’re out.

During the outing:

Acknowledge and praise good behavior immediately.
If misbehavior happens, have a calm, consistent response ready, such as stepping outside briefly or removing a privilege later.

Most importantly, don’t let embarrassment lead you to overreact. Staying calm and predictable helps your child understand that your expectations are the same everywhere.

Additional Strategies from the Book

Working with Schools

Partner with your child’s teacher to create consistent rules and consequences.
Use a home–school note system to link school behavior to rewards at home.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Don’t expect instant results. Lasting change takes time.
Avoid inconsistent follow-through or giving in when you’re tired.
Expect occasional setbacks and see them as part of the learning process.

Defiant behavior can be frustrating and draining, but it’s not unchangeable. With a structured, positive approach, you can help your child develop cooperation, respect, and self-control. Barkley’s eight steps offer a roadmap that works, not by breaking your child’s will, but by teaching them the skills they need to succeed at home, in school, and beyond.

Resource:

Barkley, R. A., & Benton, C. M. (2013). Your Defiant Child: 8 Steps to Better Behavior (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press.

Helping Your Child Learn Better Behavior: 8 Steps That Work