When a child is having frequent meltdowns, refusing to follow directions, or acting out at home or school, it’s easy to assume they’re being defiant, lazy, or unmotivated. These labels are common, but they often miss what’s really going on.

One of the most helpful mindset shifts in understanding behavior comes from psychologist Dr. Ross Greene, who reminds us of a simple but powerful idea:

“Kids do well if they can.”

This perspective challenges the belief that children won’t behave appropriately and instead asks us to consider whether they can.

Behavior Is Not the Problem, It’s the Signal

From a **collaborative and proactive solutions (CPS) perspective**, challenging behavior isn’t something to “fix” in isolation. Instead, behavior is a **signal** that a child is struggling to meet certain expectations.

In other words, when a child explodes, shuts down, refuses, or avoids, it’s often because:
The demand placed on them exceeds their current skills
They don’t yet have the tools to handle the situation successfully
This doesn’t mean expectations disappear, but it *does* mean behavior should be understood before it’s addressed.

From “Won’t” to “Can’t Yet”

Traditional behavior approaches often focus on motivation:

“They’re choosing not to listen.”
“They could do it if they wanted to.”
“They just need consequences.”

CPS offers a different lens. Instead of asking “How do we stop this behavior?”, it asks:

“What skills are getting in the way right now?”

Some common lagging skills related to challenging behavior include:

Difficulty handling frustration
Trouble with flexibility or transitions
Weak problem-solving skills
Challenges with emotional regulation
Difficulty expressing needs with words

When these skills lag behind expectations, behavior often becomes the outlet.

Why Punishment Alone Often Doesn’t Work

If behavior is driven by missing skills, punishment doesn’t teach what’s needed. It may stop behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t build capacity.

In fact, repeated consequences can:
Increase anxiety or shame
Escalate power struggles
Damage relationships
Reinforce a child’s belief that they’re “bad” or “failing”
This is why many parents and teachers feel stuck doing “everything right,” yet seeing the same behaviors repeat.

A Skill-Based Approach to Behavior

The CPS model shifts the focus to skill-building and problem-solving, rather than compliance alone.

Instead of reacting after behavior happens, CPS encourages adults to:

Identify situations where behavior predictably occurs
Understand what skills the child is struggling with
Address concerns before behavior escalates

This proactive approach reduces frustration for everyone involved and helps children learn skills they can carry forward.

What This Means for Parents and Teachers

This mindset shift doesn’t mean:

Lowering expectations indefinitely
Letting children “get away” with things
Ignoring limits or structure

It does mean:

Responding with curiosity instead of assumptions
Teaching skills alongside expectations
Viewing behavior as a starting point, not a stopping point

When adults approach behavior with empathy and problem-solving, children are more likely to feel understood, and more capable of change.

Coming Next in This Series:

In the next post, we’ll take this idea a step further by exploring:

How to identify triggers and lagging skills
Why certain situations lead to predictable behavior challenges
How understanding the “why” helps guide better support at home and school

Behavior makes sense, even when it’s hard. And when we understand it, we can respond in ways that truly help kids grow.

Reference

Greene, R. W. (2016). Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child. Scribner.

Rethinking Challenging Behavior: Behavior Series Part 1